


Jagged Shards of a Bitter Ending

by Fire_Kitten



Series: Who Died and Made Me the Hero? [4]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: Alistair POV, All aboard the Angst Express, But for now it's all a fucking mess, F/M, Heavy Angst, I'm gonna make it up to Alistair eventually, I'm sorry about all the sadness, MCD has already happened, Non-Stop service to Misery, Suicidal Thoughts, there's no going back, this is the bad place
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-19
Updated: 2018-08-19
Packaged: 2019-06-29 15:59:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15732717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fire_Kitten/pseuds/Fire_Kitten
Summary: The Immediate aftermath ofThe Best Laid Plansand in time the years beyond the Blight.The Archdemon was dead. And so was Katarina Amell, leaving Alistair behind to pick up the pieces.Maker alone knows how much Alistair wishes it was the other way around.





	Jagged Shards of a Bitter Ending

**Author's Note:**

> So I know I don't need to be adding *another* side-work to my plate... but this just called to me and I had to write it. While I feel like a goddamn monster making Alistair so sad, eventually whatever this develops into will become relevant to how Alistair acts in Of Mages and Monsters (it's hardly a spoiler that he will be in it, but it is still a way off I'm sorry).
> 
> I kind of envision this being a series of vignettes of varying length, showing moments from the years between the end of the Blight and the start of the Inquisition through Alistair's eyes. I'm making no promises about how often this might update, I get the feeling that I have to be in a very particular MoodTM to write these snippets and it's not a happy one.
> 
> My apologies in advance.

If he wilfully forgot all the horror and heartbreak that had fused with his soul in the last hour, Alistair could almost believe for just a moment that Kat's body, so carefully cradled in his arms, was merely unconscious, exhausted after a hard-won fight to rid Ferelden of the Archdemon.

But then he remembered. And his heart shattered all over again.

Her once gloriously golden skin that had darkened throughout the summer spent in the meagre sunlight, then paled during the weeks spent in the Deep Roads, was now turning ashen and dull. The full lower lip that Alistair had become addicted to capturing between his teeth, was now turning a bluish-grey colour that left him so, so cold. He was almost relieved that he couldn't see Kat's eyes, no longer lit with a joyful warmth just for him. 

No, he couldn't bear to look in those eyes and not see his love looking back at him.

Alistair had not the least clue where he was walking. From the moment he'd lifted Kat's body into his arms and left that void-taken tower, he'd become blind to everything around him. It was probably a miracle that no darkspawn stragglers had come across him, mindlessly walking and completely defenseless. They'd be able to sense him but the ringing silence in his head drowned out any hope of him sensing darkspawn right now.

If he was being honest with himself, Alistair half wished that that some enterprising genlock _would_ find him and try their luck. It's not like he was even needed anymore. A Warden had struck the final blow, the Archdemon was dead and once the remaining darkspawn crawled back beneath the dirt the Blight would be over. No one needed Alistair to be there for the clean-up.

All he wanted was for the sawing, razor-sharp feeling in his chest to disappear. It was like someone had thrust a sword between his ribs and twisted until the metal snapped, leaving the shards behind to send agonising jolts over every nerve in his body in time with each weary step he took.

Couldn't it all just stop hurting? Why was he always the one left behind? His mother, his father, Duncan and now... Kat. All dead and gone while he remained, hopelessly grasping at broken pieces of himself that might never heal properly. He wanted to stop thinking, stop feeling, simply stop _existing_ altogether.

His arms were beginning to tremble, Maker only knew how far he'd carried Kat. As soon as he staggered to a halt, his knees wavered and it was all he could do to cling onto Kat to as they both sank to the ground.

Shifting his grip, Alistair gently settled Kat's head on his chest and rested his cheek against her hair as he rocked them both. It took a moment to register the dampness on his face and a choking lump in his throat that made every breath shudder. How long had he been crying? Possibly since he left Fort Drakon if the itchy, burning sensation in his eyes was any indication.

"Alistair?" 

A soft Orlesian voice, shaky but familiar broke through the void of sound that fogged his mind. He lifted his head slightly, trying to focus on the blur crouched in front of him.

"Alistair, you need to let her go. You've brought her back to the palace, it's safe now. We need to make preparations for the funeral...they're going to need to take her body."

Let her go? He started shaking his head, tightening his arms around Kat's torso. If he let go now what was to stop him losing himself? Once he let go of her, he was never, ever going to be able to hold her again. How was he supposed to live once his heart went to the pyre with her?

Why would he want to? 

She wasn't supposed to die. Morrigan had promised the ritual would save them both. Did she lie? It was too late for the truth to matter in any case. 

Kat was dead and Maker how Alistair wished he was too. An eternity in the Void with her was preferable to thirty years slowly creeping towards his Calling alone. They were supposed to have more time than this. 

He'd had so much hope for their life together after the Blight, he'd almost believed that the Maker would let him keep the one person who'd ever made him truly happy by his side. Such an empty hope when the Maker did not care one whit about his children. 

Perhaps it was his fate to be the one always left behind.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry again. No really.
> 
> For a slightly happier reading experience, you could always go check out my longfic [Of Mages and Monsters](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13554531) which is following the Inquisition plotline... with an unexpected extra party member. Maybe I'll manage to get the next chapter for that done this week..
> 
> If you want to yell at me for making Ali sad then please do so in the comments :P


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